When the entire family lives in a single home, it can be quite difficult for parents to have clear rules for their children that both enforce. Imagine then the challenge this represents when the parents are divorced. You are not doing any favors by giving the children two sets of rules to live by. Children will learn to use these separate sets of rules to their advantage in many circumstances. For younger children, it can be very confusing to figure out which rules to follow.
In a perfect world, you and your ex-spouse can come to an agreement on everything, including which rules the children are to follow. We don’t live in a perfect world, though. Trying to come to come up with a conclusive set of rules for the children to follow in both households is a war no one will win. You can make this easier by trying to compromise on the rules that are most important to you and your ex as well as for the well being of the children. Writing down these rules, so everyone knows what is expected is a good idea too.
One good example is setting a time for the children to go to bed. This should be the same for children in both households. Having a set and regular bed time allows the children to get into a routine, making it easier for them to adjust to the various changes when they go between homes. You might decide that the children are not permitted to have food in their rooms, but your ex spouse does allow this. This rule can be different in separate homes.
You and your ex-spouse should also agree on a set curfew for both households. If it is different, children will want to spend more time with the more lenient parent. This can cause serious problems for both you and your children as time progresses.
No rule is set in stone. You might come to a time where those rules need to be re-evaluated. If you and your ex-spouse still communicate well, schedule a time to discuss changing some of the rules. Once you and your ex have decided what the new rules will be, let the children know. If you and your ex-spouse can communicate these changes with the children as a team, it will be better. A united front from both parents is always more effective when dealing with children.
Depending on what issues you may be facing with your children at any given point in time, these rules may favor them or restrict them. For getting older and showing that they can be responsible, you might be extending their curfew or giving them a later bed time. For a number of reasons, you might find yourself instead limiting the amount of time they can watch TV or play video games.
Parents have a tendency to feel bad for children caught in the midst of a divorce, falling into the trap of being overly lenient with the children and the rules they must follow. Trying to avoid upsetting the children, parents shy away from setting boundaries. Parents also find themselves trying to be the “Nice One” rather than the “Mean One” in the eyes of their children when being compared to the other parent. The secret is this: children actually want rules and boundaries.
When you and your ex-spouse have agreed upon set rules, do not bend or break them. It will end up causing more trouble than it’s worth. Children will have more respect for you, if you stick with their current curfew rather than extending it without agreement from both parents. Further, changing the rules without discussing them with the other parent can cause your ex to be upset, hurt, even angry.
An important part of keeping everyone happy when two parents are divorced is setting clear rules. Failing to see this will cause repeated conflict between you, your spouse, and the children. Do not allow rules to become a triangle power struggle. |
