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While divorce is often one of the most difficult times any of us will face, we must remember to maintain our lines of communication. First and foremost, we must assure our children that they are not the reason for the divorce. Children must know that both parents love them and will always be a part of their lives. These two key components will help a child deal best with the changes that are sure to accompany a divorce. Parents should sit down and speak with their children about the divorce. Some parents like to keep the subject as far away from their children as possible, but this isn’t healthy. It can lead to uncertainty and fear for children, because they are aware of the tension but unaware of what is causing it. We all know that fear of the unknown can be devastating and this is more the case with children than with adults. Children will feel more secure when they hear about the divorce from both parents rather than just one of them. Of those that do discuss the topic of divorce with their children, it is also a good idea to do so together. Some parents decide to speak with children separately, showing an obvious division between mom and dad right off the bat. This could cause children to feel they must choose a side, and we don’t want to do that. Together, the parents should speak with their children. They may opt to do this with one child at a time or with all children at once. Speaking about divorce with each child separately is a good suggestion, because it allows us to consider the age and distinct possibility of the child when approaching the topic of divorce. Do not get overcomplicated in the discussion of divorce with children; they do not need to know all of the details about why parents are getting a divorce. There should be no blame assessed, either. Children need only to know that their parents will no longer be staying together and how that is going to change things. Let children know that it is okay to have questions, and that they can come to either parent with questions they may have about the divorce. Give the children time to take in the information you are providing them. While children might understand that things have not been going well in the home, the idea of a divorce might shock them. It might be a good idea to have a meeting once again with both parents and the children a few weeks after the initial one. That will provide for time for the children to gather their thoughts and questions about the divorce. Now, they may be more ready to talk about it than they were when you first told them about the divorce. During the process of divorce, be prepared to offer your children more support than usual. Many children will act out in anger and frustration because of the divorce. Some might withdraw, unsure of how to deal with their emotions regarding the situation. You must remember that their needs are important and need addressed. Parents should have a plan for when a child presses for more information as to why there is going to be a divorce. This is more prevalent with older children. There may be information, such as if one of the adults was having an affair, that you may choose not to discuss with the child or children. This must be agreed upon by both parents and should be done before you first sit down and discuss the divorce with them. Before telling the children about the divorce, the parents must come to terms with the basic concepts first. Children need to be comforted and understand that they will be okay and both parents love them very much. This simply is not possible, if the parents aren’t okay with the fact that a divorce is taking place. While the children don’t need to be aware of all the details of the divorce, they should be advised about some of the plans. Discuss the living arrangements once the divorce is final, for example. Give the children a timeline, so they know when the divorce and changes will be taking place. Preparing the child will strengthen their resolve during the entire process.. Making your children aware of the divorce and the changes will allow them to prepare and deal with the changes better. Children won’t feel like they are simply stuck in the middle of something they don’t want to be a part of this way. Divorce is not easy for anyone, particularly when children are involved. The process can be made much easier, however, if you are willing to put your differences aside and work together, coming up with a solution that works best for everyone. |
